Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“TGIM!” – My liver
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
wtf management?!
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”