vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
found this cool rock hiking today
what’s really going on
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
