Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

why I oughta

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.