Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉