Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…