Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
You Might Also Like
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I get distracted pretty eas
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I cannot stop laughing at this
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”