Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

You were the one.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument