Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

first you must answer his riddles

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.