Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

This came to me in a dream.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

wait.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down