Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys


“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied


Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast


i made the mistake of watching a single zit popping video on youtube and now my recommendations screen is trying to make me barf


“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.


People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.


No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.


Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”