Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
just witnessed a drug deal
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
March 16
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..