Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”