Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.đ§
![]()
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman thatâs been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
WIFE: Itâs either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:âŚ
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:âŚ
ME: Why wonât you love Tom Honks
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richardâs spotlight will not be robbed.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My friend is dating a guy who wonât stop taking her to the circus đ
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing âprobably a snakeâ in my notepad* Thank you.
I think Iâm finally ready. Iâm gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Canât believe the Obama 2012 campaign isnât using the slogan âOnce you go black, you donât go back.â
For April Foolâs Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a âflavorlessâ pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
![]()
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I canât have housekeeping thinking weâre slobs, Karen
If your partner says âif anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,â âanythingâ doesnât include getting stuck in a traffic jam
âdaddy, the sun has disappeared!!â
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
âlisten here you little shitâ
[Mulder softly whispering âI want toâ at every exhibit in the Ripleyâs Believe It or Not Museum.]
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
![]()
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat wonât like being set on fire.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretaryâs case goes to trialâŚ
âWhat do you like to do in your free time?â
Golf.
âOh thatâs cool. Whenâs the last time you played?â
8 years ago.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally donât know if thatâs 100 pounds or a billion.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You donât even know what time it is yet
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.