Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks