Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.