Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

*puts my mental health in rice

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.