Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
You Might Also Like
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.