Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting