Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.