Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”