Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

hear me out : pockets for your socks

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

watching gymnastics

How animals would run if they were human

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

☠️☠️☠️

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.