Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams