Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.