Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
very niche meme I made
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
This meal prepping shit is easy
