Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.