me: this is free, right?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
GOD: no you’re fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m not high! – high people
I’m not drunk! – drunk people
I’m not lying! – lying people
I’m not gay! – my brother
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.
…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No