@MageOfSolitude

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

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@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@Petote

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@MikeCanRant

There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.

@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

@JT_IV_

I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.

@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.