Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You Might Also Like
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Erm I’m gonna say no
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second