Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You Might Also Like
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix