Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Sure. Why not?

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is