Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building