Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.