valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”