Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room