valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.