Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
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Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.