Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Holy moly

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.