Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Couple goals

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

😭😭

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?