Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face