[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.