Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work