Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

thoughts?

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Brb my Sims are getting married

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away