Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Autocarrot sucks!
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
