Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
The Book. The Movie.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
