Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I love twitter
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)