Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs