Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
mentally somewhere in italy
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*exercises sarcastically*
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
We all have our pet causes.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.