Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
You Might Also Like
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”