Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”