Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course