VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Match dot com, but for socks.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.