@surrealvehicle

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

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@GorillaNipples1

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@LVMelL0

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

@The_MartiniGirl

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

@GrantTanaka

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

@robyn_vo

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

@MeanGein

Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

@Marlebean

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh