ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

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[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.


“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen


I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.


Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.


The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi


We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore


Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.


Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.


Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh