VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
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[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?