Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.