Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.