Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.