Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

The smoothest fall of all time

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”