VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
out-housing market appears to be strong
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.