VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
nyc:
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
