Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?