Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

Sunday

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.