Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Getting married soon just need a spouse

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands