VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me