Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.