Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-