Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback