Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.