Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number