Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Good dog. ❤️
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack