Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Do not levitate over flowers

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi