Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
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I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.