vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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What?!?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?