Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
If only.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.