Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
